Why I am Catholic, and why I stay Catholic

I've been asked this a lot recently Why are you Catholic? Why do you STAY Catholic? They're good questions, with long answers. So I'll nutshell it here for you...

I was enamored with Church and Mass from the moment I can remember; from the smell of the incense, the sound of the hymns and choirs, the beauty of the art. Before I began CCD, I knew something...huge...was going on up on the altar during the consecration. When I did begin CCD, I became a "Church nerd". This meant my teachers loved me, my classmates ridiculed me, and I was left to ponder the Mystery on my own. I thought I wanted to be a priest (at least until puberty hit).

Fast forward a couple of decades...like many Catholics of my generation, I stopped attending Mass after confirmation, and my faith and prayer life dwindled. I dabbled in various esoteric religions; Buddhism, Paganism, etc. All had shreds of wisdom and the ritual I so loved, but my heart longed for the Eucharist. I tried to fill the emptiness from that and other things with booze, and this developed into full-fledged alcoholism. Luckily, I've been blessed enough to have an understanding and long-suffering wife to help me through all this without leaving me or killing me (but that is a whooooooole other story).

To make a long story short (too late), I remain Catholic due to the intercession of John Paul II. On August 30th, 2001, my wife and kids were away at my inlaws suummer house, and I was grimly setting myself up for a full weekend bender. I had been to the hospital several weeks before for excessive alcohol consumption. Didn't phase me a bit. There was drinking to be done. I was finishing off my third bottle of wine, had the bottle upended and was slugging it down. EWTN happened to be on in the background...I certainly was not conscious of turning it on...and my back was to the TV. As the last of the wine was disappearing down my throat, I heard in a warm yet unfamiliar voice:

"Thomas...you need to stop, NOW."

Of course I was alone but it was conversational, right in my ear. I looked back at the TV and there was the Pope, beset by his Parkinson's disease; leaning on his Papal Cross. And looking right at the camera. Right at me.

The urge to continue drinking disappeared. I called my wife, told her I was an alcoholic, and that I needed to get help. I called AA and made my first meeting the next day. I've been sober for going on 10 years, thanks to my wife, AA, Jesus in the Eucharist...and the intercession of Blessed John Paul II.

I'm a better husband and father than I ever was. I'm a better man than I've ever been. And it's largely due to my regained faith.

Feast of Saint Philip and Saint James, Apostles
Daily Mass Readings
1 Corinthians 15:1-8
Psalm 19:2-5
John 14:6-14

Death of an enemy

I'm not going to post any links to the news stories about the death of
Osama bin Laden or any conspiracy theories about what "really" happened.
We've all heard them by now.  Even amongst the conspiracy theorists,there is universal agreement that bin Laden is dead.

It's hard to know how to react.  I was 2 blocks away from Ground Zero on
9/11/2001, and continued to work there until 2005.  Friends and relatives of mine were killed, wounded, and worked on the pile.  It took almost 10 years (perhaps not that long, if some of the conspiracy theories are to be believed), but the man who claimed responsibility for orchestrating these attacks has been killed.  I pray this brings some small modicum of closure for the victims and their families.  When I watched the news in the wee hours this morning, part of me wanted to join in the spontaneous jubilation in front of the White House, in Times Square, and at Ground Zero.  

Another part of me was embarrassed and ashamed by what I saw.  

The parallels between the celebrations of Americans at the death of bin
Laden and that of many in the Arab world (and certain Arab-American communities) in the wake of the 9/11 attacks struck me hard. Celebrating the death of a person or a people you believe to be evil: How far removed are we as Americans from those who celebrated our darkest moment?

Loving our enemies is a tall, tall order from God.  It is one I am not prepared to carry out in this instance, at least not yet.  I pray that someday God will grant me the will to forgive.  I'm not there right now, and I know God understands.  He doesn't expect anything from me I'm not
capable of.  Maybe the idea that I write "not yet" instead of "never" is a small instance of progress and the movement of Grace within my heart.

I hope so.

Peace be upon us all.

Memorial of St. Athanasius
Daily Mass Readings
Acts 4:23-31
Psalm 2:1-9
John 3:1-8

Today's Angel - Hell

My old spiritual director, Father Jim, said to me once,

"Tom, as a priest I must say that there IS indeed a Hell. That aside, who am I to say whether anyone is there or not."

I don't deny Hell, per se. I do however, have difficulty in perceiving Hell as existing in tandem with an all-loving God. I realize that God's ways are far beyond my own, but that doesn't make this any easier for me to understand.

I relate it, perhaps poorly, to the relationship I have as father to my children. Could my children one day insult and reject me, denouncing their relationship with me? Sure they can. Would I ever stop hoping they would have a change of heart and return to a loving relationship with me. I can't imagine I would. I'd wait on the porch for one or both of my prodigals son to return, bounding off the porch as soon as I saw them on the horizon taking one step toward me. I understand punishment and the need to answer for our actions and inactions spiritually. I understand free will, BUT I have a hard time applying it here.

I get tripped up by the idea a flawed limited human being could possibly make a reasoned free will decision about being eternally damned. That an all-loving God, who loves us more than any parent ever loved a child, could possibly allow his Beloved to make a decision that - by its very nature - is limited, flawed and incomplete about an eternity of suffering. Would I allow my children to make such a decision? Never. There's "tough love" and then there is infinite sufferng versus finite crime, regardless of the heinous nature of the crime. "Tough love" eventually teaches a lesson. Hell does not allow learning...it is eternity without the possibility of parole.

In this context, I guess that the concept of Purgatory makes spiritual/metaphysical sense to me; do the crime, you do the time, so to speak.

I do know the biblical and catechetical teachings on the problem of Hell and the problem of suffering in general. I understand them. I do struggle mightily with them, all the same. May the veil be lifted from my eyes...one of these days.

Tuesday in the Octave of Easter
Daily Mass Readings
Acts 2:36-41
Psalm 33:4-5,18-20,22
John 20:11-18

In the upper room...

Talk about despair. My friend, my master, my Lord was executed and buried. All our hopes that were linked to you, Jesus, that you just might be the Messiah that would deliver us from underneath the boot of the Romans.

Everything we'd seen...ah, how could it possibly end like this??? You turned water into wine! You walked on water! You fed thousands of people with half a wicker basket of food! You restored sight to the blind man! You cast out demons more times than I can count! You gave US the power to cast them out! Lazarus was DEAD, and now he's alive, hiding here with us!

How is it that Lazarus is alive, but you are dead? How is that possible???

You mentioned in the garden before they took you away that if you wanted, you could summon 12 legions of angels to protect you! Why DIDN'T you? What were you waiting for??? All the good you did, all that you taught us...where was the fire you showed in the Temple when you drove out the moneychangers? You just let them take you, like a lamb to the slaughter.

Oh and it was a slaughter. John told us what they did to you. The beatings. The spitting. That unending flaying with the whips. That horrific crown they made you wear...what, was that supposed to be FUNNY? Being made to carry your cross (I know that sounds familiar to me, but I can't place my finger on it). And then, being nailed to that same cross, disgraced, naked, for hours in agony, all in front of your Mother. I would have stayed, SHOULD have, but I was frightened. They would have recognized our accent, they would have known our faces from that day in the Temple.

Then that terrible storm.

I know the Temple guards are looking for us, probably to do the same to us as they did to you. No one's been able to talk to Peter at all...I've never seen him like this. No one's seen Judas since the Garden, and that's a damned good thing too - how could he DO that to us, to you? And dammit Jesus, how could you LET him??? How could you let this happen??? You wouldn't even let us fight for you. We believed what you said! We believed you were what you said you were! We...ah, I can't go on. I don't have the strength.

It's better that we stay here for awhile, at least until things calm down. Mary wants to go to the tomb to tend to your body, since they had to leave in such a hurry yesterday because of the Sabbath. We were looking to Peter to stop her, but he waved her out anyway...she seemed to need to go. It's still dark, but no one's sleeping here anyway. I cannot believe that it's ended this way. I miss you, Jesus, so, so much. And I'm angry. And I'm frightened. And I feel alone.

If only I could see you, hear your voice, feel your hand on my shoulder again. If only...

Vigil of the Holy Night of Easter
Genesis 1:1-2:2
Genesis 22:1-18
Exodus 14:15-15:1
Isaiah 54:5-14
Isaiah 55:1-11
Baruch 3:9-15,32-4:4
Ezekial 36:16-28
Romans 6:3-11
Matthew 28:1-10

Good Friday

Behold...Behold the wood of the cross
On which is hung our Salvation.
Oh come let us adore.

Good Friday of the Lord's Passion
Isaiah 52:13-53:12
Psalm 31:2,6,12-13,15-16,17,25
Hebrews 4:14-16; 5:7-9
John 18:1-19:42

Who was Judas, really?

Reading this article in America Magazine

today got me thinking; has Judas Iscariot gotten a bad rap throughout Christian history?

The Gospels describe him as greedy, a thief, jealous, demon possessed. In Paradise Lost, Dante portrays him being chewed headfirst in Satan's mouth for all eternity. Does Judas deserve such a fate? And the article makes an excellent point; how could Judas remain an Apostle, amongst Jesus's closet friends in the world, and retain all of these horrid qualities?

I have no answers, but it is something I've thought about often, particularly when entering the Triduum. Was Judas a Zealot, trying to force Christ's hand in proclaiming His Kingship by having Him arrested? Did Christ somehow make Judas understand and accept the role he was to play in salvation, as in The Last Temptation of Christ? Was he some poor dupe of the wiley Sanhedrin, as he was in Zefferelli's Jesus of Nazareth? Did Satan literally have his minions enter into Judas as described in the Gospels and in the visions of Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich?

When he saw the havoc his betrayal had caused, did Judas weep as Simon Peter wept after denying Him?

Judas Iscariot, Apostle of Christ, I wonder about your fate from time to time.

Holy Thursday, Mass of the Last Supper
Daily Mass Readings
Exodus 12:1-8,11-14
Psalm 116:12-13,15-18
1 Corinthians 11:23-26
John 13:1-15

Preparing to enter the Mystery

"C'mon back! Get your sins forgiven and be ready for Easter!"
- Father Ralph

St. Brigid's was packed today, with folks both going to Mass and waiting for Confession. I was there for the latter; it hasn't been the best Lent for me and I wanted to enter the Triduum with a glad heart to celebrate the Sacred Mysteries. When I saw how many folks were waiting for Confession before me, I almost walked out. I counted 10, and lunch hour was already half over. I stayed.

Even after the first "confessee" took 10 minutes or more, I stayed. When it appeared the second wasn't going to be zipping along either, I gathered myself to go. That's when Father Ralph and his assistant pastor came in from the rectory. They were both in street clothes...but both were wearing their purple stoles.

Father said, "I heard through the grapevine that we are blessed to have a large number of faithful looking for God's mercy. So we're doing triple duty today! C'mon back! Get your sins forgiven and be ready for Easter!"
They both set up shop at opposite ends of the church, quietly hearing confessions in the pews, while Father J continued in the confessional.

Father Ralph kept me in that church today...for a confession that was admittedly difficult. Diffcult, but oh, so necessary. Thank you to all the good priests of St. Brigid's for making sure all of us who needed the sacramentally grace of Christ was able to receive it.

Daily Mass Readings
Isaiah 49:1-6
Psalm 71:1-6,15-17
John 13:21-33,36-38