It just feels like I’m going through the motions. Go to Mass, follow the liturgy, receive Eucharist. Confession once a month, maybe a Rosary here and there, Lauds and Vespers…sometimes I guess I just don’t want to talk to God. Or maybe it’s that I think sometimes God doesn’t want to hear from me. Perhaps it is a little of both at the same time.
I have trouble, have always had trouble, with the idea of accepting the will of God. Back in my AA days, we said the Serenity Prayer after every meeting and I still say it regularly:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
A lot of times I ignore the difference of which the prayer speaks. What is this “acceptance” crap, anyway? I don’t like when someone else, even God, seems to impose their will on me or impacts my life in a way I don’t feel it should be impacted. Truth is, acceptance has always been an issue for me. I have trouble accepting the twists and turns in my life that I don’t foresee, can’t change, and affect me in a way I'm not comfortable with. Yet, this is Life. The less I accept the things I cannot change, the more irritable and unhappy my life is likely to be. HOWEVER, I am often equally unable or afraid to change the things in my life that needs changing. It’s almost like I am willing to accept the things I cannot change…as long as they are the things I ought to have the courage to change myself. It is as if I’m waiting for other people and/or God, to make the changes for me. In other words, I have the brilliant dreams about my life, but let everyone else do the work.
Which brings me back to the root of my problem...not wanting to talk to God. Why? Because I know I am not doing all of what I ought to be doing, and doing some things I shouldn’t. I don’t like bringing that truth before God. During the dry spells, I close myself off during the prayers I say. Talking to God in rote while trying to avoid actually communicating with God is nothing but a waste of time. God knows my mind, my heart, my intentions. However, if I don’t allow God in, invite God into my mind, heart, and intentions, how am I to better know God? How can I more fully experience God’s love and what He wants from me if I am unwilling to share myself with Him?
I need to be praying the Serenity Prayer a bit more often, methinks.
Memorial of St. Frances Cabrini
Daily Mass Readings